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Am I good enough?

Sometimes it’s hard to know whether or not you are enough. Not because the people you surround yourself with treat you like you’re not, but because sometimes we have our own demons to fight off in order to assure ourselves that we are.

There are always points in life that will have you questioning your worth and what you mean to people, and it can be hard to overcome these moments. I have had a couple of these moments recently, not because of anything in particular, but because of things I have said or done and the consequences they have lead to, or circumstances I have had to overcome.

So today I am taking a little time to tell myself that yes, I am good enough, and you are too. We are all fragile, and it takes some realisation and a lot of self-care and love to build ourselves up and keep us there, especially since so many people are on our heels ready to bring us down.

As a… sister

All siblings have their ups and downs, but my sister and I have had a pretty turbulent relationship recently. It’s hard when someone you love makes decisions that you might not agree with or think is best for them. It makes it so much harder to talk to them and support them, but I am realising that all of this – the way I have been feeling – is only because I love her so much and want the best for her.

We have not been speaking as much and I feel like our relationship has broken down a little, and that has been my fault. I have kind of shut her out, and that is not very fair of me. However, it’s just my reaction to a very sensitive and surprising situation and I have to stop beating myself up about that.

On the other hand, I do realise that I have been very hard on her, and I am so sorry, but I also realise that I am good enough as a sister. No matter what, Lauren and I are always there for each other. To give advice, be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to skinner into, and most of all, I know that she loves me no matter what and I love her no matter what and that makes us both good enough.

As a… daughter

Parentals, you guys can be so difficult, shit. But I know I can be, too. So I guess we are even on that front! I mean, I could only get my stubbornness from you guys, so.

There have been many a time in my (short) life so far where I really feel like I have let you guys down, and it’s shit to realise just how many times I feel like I have done just that as I have ‘grown up’.

I guess no one is perfect, which makes me feel a bit better, and as our relationships have grown and we have learned to talk to each other, we have – from both sides – learned to appreciate each other, talk to each other and not (over) react like we would have before.

It’s a nice feeling to know, today, that I can say – without a doubt – that I am good enough as a daughter. That I know that I make you proud and that, no matter what has happened on our journey so far, that you are there for me and that you can talk to me and trust me with just about anything.

I’ve moved continents and countries, worked my way up from an internship to working at an amazing company and built up a life with Jeanne that I am so proud of, and I know you are to. And it’s satisfying to know that you are proud of me.

I’m just going to say, though, that I know I would not be where I am without your support, love, kindness, honesty and amazing parenting. Thanks, guys. I really appreciate you so very much.

As a… friend

I have very few friends, and I like it that way. Many of my very good friends live on the opposite side of the globe from me, and I miss them very much. However, it is hard to make a long-distance relationship – even a friendship – work, and I am working hard on that.

Equally, I have been forgotten about by friends I thought I would have forever and I have made friends (which is really hard for me) over the past few weeks at roller derby that I feel will grow way beyond my expectations and have met people through random encounters and in unexpected ways, all of which I am really excited about.

As tough as I find it to open up to new people and make new friends, I do feel as though I am a good friend to those I have, and I am good enough as a friend. I try to give whatever I can without taking very much back, compromise with all of my might and I try to always be there when I am needed, no matter what.

As a… fiancé

Shit, Jeanne and I have gone through a lot over the last few months. From getting engaged late last year, to Jeanne being in hospital for two weeks in February, I feel like so much has happened in such a short period of time and it’s scary.

There is so much I could touch on when it comes to whether or not I am good enough as a fiancé, partner and lover, because I know that I am the furthest thing from perfect and there are a lot of things I need to work on. Just a couple of examples: not being so selfish and not being so bossy. Oh, and communicating better and not avoiding putting the laundry away for three weeks…

Jeanne’s two week stint in hospital has taught me a lot about our relationship and a lot about stepping up in our relationship in a very short period of time.

I had to take control and be by myself in our home for two weeks – which included taking care of everything from our boys to all of the chores. It was a very lonely and isolating experience, and I missed having her around, which made me realise how much I take her just being there for granted.

I also had to take care of her when she finally came home. The transition she had to endure while getting use to taking her tablets was rough, as she was not ‘okay’ right away, so she was still having fits and I had to be there for her when she was doing the simplest of things, like bending over to tie her shoelaces. She is still not allowed to drive, either, which means that I drop her off at work, pick her up and take her wherever she needs to go.

Everything that happened took more of a toll on me than I realised, and it took Jeanne telling me over and over again that I need to look after myself, too, to actually take what she was saying seriously. However, to cut to the chase, this horrible journey has made me realise that I am good enough as a fiancé, partner and lover, and that even though I am the furthest thing from perfect, I am the best that I can be and a working process – and that’s okay.

On a good note, yesterday we celebrated a whole week seizure free, which is a huge step in the diagnosis process and it means that the medication is working. There is still so much uncertainty, but we are on the right track and dealing with it all together.

To end things off, I just want to tell you…

…that you’re good enough too. No matter what is going on in your life and what you are going through, you are good enough in everything you do.

We are so hard on ourselves these days, and there is so much negativity that it’s sometimes hard to see through the stormy dust cloud, but I just want to assure you that I have you’re back, I think you’re amazing and you are more than good enough.

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8 Comments

  • Reply Charlie

    So special to see this post. Thanks Claire. Feel like i have found a roller derby sister.

    April 24, 2017 at 8:32 pm
    • Reply Claire Henderson

      Same Charlie 🙂 Lots of love for you and the rest of the gang.

      April 29, 2017 at 9:17 am
  • Reply Leanie Foot

    Thank you for writing this post, lately i have also felt that i’m not good enough the last couple pf months. I agree with you that we tend to be so hard on ourselves and we also feel like nothing are working out the way we want to..i guess i also lack to be more patience…

    March 14, 2017 at 7:56 pm
    • Reply Claire Henderson

      It’s hard to feel that way and we are certainly very hard on ourselves, but you are good enough!

      April 5, 2017 at 3:47 pm
  • Reply Moipone Islam

    I needed that so much. Been going through some of my demons.

    Thank you

    March 14, 2017 at 2:59 pm
    • Reply Claire Henderson

      You’re welcome. It can be so hard to fight those demons alone! Don’t forget to confide in someone and let them know how you are feeling xx

      April 5, 2017 at 3:48 pm
  • Reply Melissa Javan

    Weird I have not realised that I actually have these individuals roles in my mind – where I assess myself in these roles. Then negative thoughts encounters when things don’t go the way I want. Nice post – food for thought.

    March 7, 2017 at 4:29 pm
    • Reply Claire Henderson

      Neither did I until I sat down and started writing out this blog post! I am glad you liked it, thanks very much xx

      April 5, 2017 at 3:48 pm

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